He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
