I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
