I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
