im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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