I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
