i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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