some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I touched a dick in church today
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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