i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
