I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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