rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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