dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Randomize
