when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
