I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
40s are totally the cure
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
