so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
