i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
