There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
