ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
