Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
