Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
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