and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
