Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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