Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
