and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
