I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
