You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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