I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
