i barfeds in our rink
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
