So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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