I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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