I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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