you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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