I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
