I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
