I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm sobbing to NWA
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
