Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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