Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
