a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
