I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
