Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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