dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
