I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
