totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
