dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
