Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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