true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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