Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
