Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
