I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
