my phone needs a breathalizer
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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