Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
