Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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