Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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